So, now what?

I read this quote this evening: I find little meaning in any of it. I know I can’t stay here working this job. No one will notice, but I’ll slowly die. There will be a smiling veneer, but I’ll be rotting on the inside.

Masterson, Russ (2011-06-24). 40 Days without Food (Kindle Locations 293-294). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

The job? Motherhood, I guess, or the daily housewife thing...I love my kids, but I'm not sure how much I like them right now.  I've been rotting for some time.  I'm not exactly sure when it started, but I know the putridity of it has blocked out so many things.  I have no joy in my life any more.  I so want to find joy.  I can't think of how may times I think to myself, " I just want to be happy."  I heard someone somewhere say "When I grow up, I want to be HAPPY."  What I wouldn't give to be happy.  The rotting has blocked out so many things God, my family, my friends...I can't remember the last time I've felt God in my life.  I know it's not about feeling Him all the time, and He's there as much now as He has been when I felt Him and everything was good...I suppose it would help if I actually cracked my Bible open and read it.*wry smile* I'm thinking that would be an appropriate first step. Rich and I had read a few days together. They were quite convicting.  Then trying to get back into the "back to school" thing got in the way.  I think he's forgotten about reading together.  I tried to read on my own, but it just seems so empty.  I didn't "get" anything from the passage I read.  God I want you back.  I'm tired of stumbling around alone in the dark.  cause all that there is without you is empty darkness.  I want to find joy in my daily life.  In my children and the relationships i have...I don't want to rot away. I want to be fulfilled doing Your work again.  If only I could figure out what your work is.

Rich and I had one of those talks the other night...about how empty i am and how much i hate doing my daily thing.  He said it seems like being a stay at home mom just isn't what i thought it would be and that's why i'm so miserable.  I think that's part of it, but i know that's not all.  It's this depression that i'm struggling with. that i have for so long.It's eaten up all of me and has come to interfere with life in general.  I have the tiniest shred of desire, but no motivation.  I don't "feel like" interacting with the kids and they don't understand that it's not them, it's me.  I was supposed to try to find someone to talk to about all this and get me sorted out and call them today...i didn't.  sadly i think i'm afraid of the process of healing and making things right. it's just easier not to make the effort. but i will.  I will tomorrow, i'm going to find the number i need, and make an appointment and KEEP it. I'm ready to take the first step.

I am here...

it's been almost a year since i've bothered blogging...having 5 kids got the best of me.  in 31 days, 4 of the 5 will be headed off to school...all day long.  i'm not looking forward to it.  Bean will be in the all day pre-kindergarten program.  the boy is in kindergarten, bear heads off to first grade, and bug has the biggest transition. she's going into third grade, which means a new school.  it will just be me & belle at home.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  actually i have some ideas, but i fear that it will be quite an adjustment for the even-more-spoiled-than-mommy belle.  we're going to be doing "boot camp" so that she learns to handle herself better and stop being such a little tyrant.

any hoo that's the kids.  now, since it's all about me...why the name change? i feel like i'm on the edge of losing it...battling through each day fighting for anything good...most days i don't want to fight for the good. i'm ready to just succumb to the nastiness of it all and apathy. i'm beyond the dried bean stage. i feel like a shattered vase or something.  2011 has been a hell of a year for us. i started it off with a kidney stone removal surgery and had complications from that, which nearly killed me.  some days i regret making the phone call i did to my friend when i asked her to pray cause i was just ready to check out...aren't i pathetic? something in me completely shattered when i was sick. but it gets worse. while i was in the hospital for a week battling those issues, dh was flat on his back b/c he had a hernia repair surgery the day i was admitted. obviously we've both recovered physically.  but it's been one battle after another.  the girls got lice. myself included. that was not a very fun adventure.  i had to cut bear's almost waist length hair cause it took me 4 hours to comb through it.  the tension it brought to my marriage was unbelievable.  cause really it was my fault.  the house had been a wreck and i hadn't been able to keep up with anything, nor had i wanted to.  i'm doing much better on that front now.  then we sent another angel to be with Sophie and Mikey.  I'm still numb from that one, but struggling with depression.  Belle had been my light and joy.  now she just annoys me most days.  I know it's bad, but some days i resent the 4b's (yes i still think of them as that even tho there are 5 of them)  and i'm angry at god for taking my little ones.  mostly b/c i had a CT scan done shortly after i conceived, and had a blood test done for pregnancy that was negative.  somewhere in the back of my head i feel like it's my fault b/c i had the CT scan done and that messed up the baby.  Why would God let that happen.  haven't i had enough pain having already lost the other 2 angels, but rich & i were talking and i realize that my anger with God goes back farther than losing my 3 angel babies...i've been angry since we left empo and moved here.  i know in my head that it was a good thing for us b/c i needed it to grow, but still we were ready to settle down and we were close to family. both of our families.  we saw them several times a month. now we're lucky if we see them once every other month.  we thought we were in a good place to raise our babies and i was uprooted from the only town i'd known.  dropped into another town with no one that i knew. my love working hard to get us a better house than the dive we were renting.  but i had no friends.  we settled for the first church we visited with kids bug's age and have been here ever since.  i love the people in our church but i'm spiritually worse off than before.  I have since met some wonderful women and formed several close friendships but still...i was ready to raise my kids with their grandparents close buy just like i had, now we hardly ever see them.  i'm bitter and lash out at whomever i can.  i'm very good at that. driving people away.  just today i was taking pot-shots at my sister b/c her hubs has a "play" job and she's spent the last 3 years putting him through school...again.  i'm constantly being stupid and petty with my mother in law, who is truly a wonderful woman and one of the most giving people i know.  why am i such a terrible person. i don't like me in the least.  i'm fat & ugly and miserable.  and trying to get myself as much company as i can.  i don't want to be like this any more, so now you know where the edge is, and this is my journey back to where i should be, and the person god wants me to be.

Oh so Yummy Oatmeal Pancakes

I saw a delish looking recipe for Oatmeal pancakes a while ago somewhere in the blogsphere. The dunce i am didn't bookmark it or write down the site. I vaguely remembered the recipe so I swagbucked for it and this is the one that I found that looked right. These are so good!!! All the little b's ate at least 4 pancakes each and daddy liked them too. They are scrumptious with warm maple syrup or just alone. I'm thinking of adding a few raisins to make smileys the next time I make these since they remind me a little of oatmeal cookies in flavor.

Oh so Yummy Oatmeal Pancakes

1 1/2 C rolled or quick oats

1 1/2 c whole wheat flour ( regular works fine)

2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/2 C buttermilk or sour milk(1 1/2 TBSP lemon juice plus milk to make 1 1/2 c)

1 c milk

1/4 c applesauce

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

1/3 c sugar

In blender or food processor blend rolled oats until they resemble flour. (in my blender I have to do 2 batches, in my food processor not) combine with the rest of the dry ingredients in a large bowl and mix well.

combine in a small bowl. mix well and add to the dry ingredients. mix until just combined. cook on a greased/buttered griddle until the edges begin to look done and bubbles form across the top. flip and cook on the other side until golden brown.

These are so yummy!!! The only thing I have noticed is I think there's a little much sugar in them as they go from golden to dark brown to burnt quickly. I'm gonna try reducing the sugar to 1/4 C. I don't think flavor will loose anything but I hope it will help with the color issue. I hope you guys enjoy these as much as we do.

Operation Christmas Child

My friend Kim has two of the most giving children I know. (I can say that because they're my "adopted" nieces). This past year for her birthday, the oldest daughter asked not for gifts, but money so she could buy ducks or geese from Samaritans Purse for a family in Africa. Isn't she great?? And she's only 5. I aspire to be a totally rocking mom like Kim. She challenges me in many ways. The girls also put together Shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child every year. So I've been thinking that the Shoe boxes are one of the most effective ways to teach my children about the true Spirit of Christmas....Sharing the Love of Jesus. This evening as I checked my facebook, I noticed that Laura @ HeavenlyHomemakers had recently posted about Operation Christmas Child. Her post was a link to Oxana's post, which has strengthened my resolve to have the 4b's (all 5 of them) participate this year, and as Oxana shared we will include one of the treasured letters in each of our boxes. So, please, go check out Oxana's Story and pass on the word.

Gratituesday: And the angels are rejoicing in Heaven

Being a parent is such a hard job. You never know if you're doing it right and it takes years to see the fruits of your labors. I think being a Godly parent is even harder. I try to teach my children about God's love and His plan of salvation through Jesus. My greatest desire is to see them join their baby brother and sister in heaven, but you can never really know what goes on in the hearts and minds of a child can you? So, I try to diligently plant seeds of faith and water them. I try to keep all the influences positive and ones that would nurture Godly characteristics within them.

Last week, I was able to see the harvest of some of the seeds I've been planting and watering. I was putting Bean to bed Tuesday night and she was her normal chatty-trying-to-stay-awake self. But as I listened to her chatter, all of the sudden, a very important question popped out of her mouth...."Mommy is God and Jesus in our hearts?" "Well Baby, do you want them to be in your heart?" "Yes, Mommy." "Then all you have to do is ask them to be in your hearts and obey what God teaches us." "Jesus, will you be in my heart?" Beanie prayed. And then she promptly passed out for the night. I delightedly rushed down stairs to share with Dh the miricle that had just occured. I must say I've struggled with pride thinking "I" did such a great job, but i know that I could never have done anything so miraculous as cause a little child's heart to turn to God...only God could do that, along with the help of parents, and a very outspoken 5 year old who Loves God. I only watered and planted but God in His awesomeness brought about the fruit. And the assurance that my 3 year old has a desire to have a relationship with God that I pray I will properly nurture during the remainder of her life under my roof so that she will cherish and serve God all of her days.

As if having this experience with Beanie wasn't great enough, Wednesday, when I was hanging out clothes, Rich called me in because he had just been asked the same question by the Boy. We talked to him about it, and he too decided to make the same step as Bean. I will now do my best to nurture him to become the man God desires for him. I hope and pray that Belle will make the same decision as her older siblings have and will not turn from it.

This post part ofGratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers.

Weekly Menu 8/22

All good things must come to an end. Summer as we know it in our house is coming to an end this week. Monday is DH's last day of vacation and the school year starts with in-service days Tuesday.

Our menu plan for the week is as follows:

Monday:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with sliced peaches

Lunch: Peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches, pears and raisins

Dinner: Meatloaf Packets (recipe at the end of the post) and broccoli

Tuesday:

Breakfast: Peach Muffins

Lunch: Noodle soup and peanut butter pinwheels, peaches

Dinner: Pork Chop Hamburger helper and broccoli

Wednesday, Pasta Day:

Breakfast: English Muffins and fruit

Lunch: Quesadillas and mixed fruit

Dinner: Butternut Squash Ravioli

Fishy Thursday:

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs, toast w/ jam

Lunch: Bologna or Salami Sandwiches

Dinner: Salmon Burgers (patties to the rest of the world), rice, sauteed summer squash and zucchini

Meatless Friday:

Breakfast: Oatmeal and fruit

Lunch: English Muffin Pizzas, veggie sticks

Dinner:Lentil & Rice Burritos

Saturday:

Breakfast: Pancakes or Waffles (Triple batch for the freezer and quick breakfasts another day)
Lunch: Leftovers

Dinner: Hot Dogs, Mac or potato salad, fruit or veggie stix

Crock Pot Sunday:

Breakfast: Bacon, Eggs & toast

Lunch: Stuffed Peppers (main meal)

Dinner: noodle soup, quesadillas, leftovers

Meatloaf Packets

1 1/2 lb ground beef (80%)

1 Package onion soup mix

1 egg

3/4 C milk

1/2 C bread crumbs

1 lb potatoes skin on, cut into wedges

3 C carrot sticks

1. Heat gas or charcoal grill. Cut 6 (18x10-inch) sheets of heavy-duty foil; spray with cooking spray. In medium bowl, mix beef, dry soup mix, egg, milk and bread crumbs. Shape into 6 loaves, 4x2 1/2x1 inch. Place 1 loaf on each foil sheet. Microwave potatoes for 4 -6 min. Place about 1/2 cup potatoes and 1/2 cup carrots around each loaf.

2. Bring up 2 sides of foil so edges meet. Seal edges, making tight 1/2-inch fold; fold again, allowing space for heat circulation and expansion. Fold other sides to seal.

3. Place packets on grill. Cover grill; cook over medium heat 25 to 30 minutes, rotating packets 1/2 turn after 15 minutes, until vegetables are tender and meat thermometer inserted in center of loaves reads 160ºF. To serve, cut large X across top of each packet; carefully fold back foil to allow steam to escape. Garnish with parsley.

I may just try to bake these in the oven depending on the weather. i will probably start cooking them at 350 degrees for a half hour. I will try to remember to include the oven baking instructions if that is what i do.

Menu Plan 8-15 to 8-21

It’s Back to School time again, and time for me to get back into my routines. The biggest one I have missed is my Menu Planning. I’m tired of pulling something frozen out of the freezer and thawing it 30 minutes before I want to eat. I have drawn up a monthly game plan and have decided to add themed days. ..Crock Pot Sunday, Meatless Friday (because I can’t do it on Monday like the rest of the world lest I make something that would trigger DH’s stomach issues), Pasta Wednesday, Pizza Night, and Fish Thursday. I also would like to send the kids off to school with a warm breakfast daily, so will be researching some recipes for that to keep some variety. And I’m sorely in need of lunch inspiration. We’ll see what I can come up with for that. Here’s what I‘ve Planned for this week.

Monday:

Dinner: Spaghetti, Italian Sausage, and Salad

Tuesday:

Lunch: English Muffin Pizzas, fruit

Dinner: Mediterranean Quinoa Skillet derived from this recipe from the $5 Dollar Dinner Mom ( for my meatless meal of the week)

Wednesday:

Lunch: Peanut butter and Jelly, fruit or veggie sticks

Dinner: Steak with all the trimmings…baked potatoes, Salad,

Thursday:

Lunch :Quesidillas, veggies

Dinner:

Friday:

Lunch:Salami Sandwiches, fruit or veggie stix

Dinner: Whatever my mom makes…we’ll be going down home for the weekend.

Saturday:

Lunch: Bug’s Birthday Party.

Pulled Pork Sandwiches, coleslaw, rolls

Hot Dogs, Buns

Broccoli Salad

Jello Salad

Chips and pretzels

Grandma Eva’s Baked Beans

Fruit

Cake & Ice Cream

Dinner: Green beans & Potatoes & Lunch leftovers

Next week I’ll try to plan a Breakfast schedule to and practice that with dh being off to school again.