I read this quote this evening: I find little meaning in any of it. I know I can’t stay here working this job. No one will notice, but I’ll slowly die. There will be a smiling veneer, but I’ll be rotting on the inside.
Masterson, Russ (2011-06-24). 40 Days without Food (Kindle Locations 293-294). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
The job? Motherhood, I guess, or the daily housewife thing...I love my kids, but I'm not sure how much I like them right now. I've been rotting for some time. I'm not exactly sure when it started, but I know the putridity of it has blocked out so many things. I have no joy in my life any more. I so want to find joy. I can't think of how may times I think to myself, " I just want to be happy." I heard someone somewhere say "When I grow up, I want to be HAPPY." What I wouldn't give to be happy. The rotting has blocked out so many things God, my family, my friends...I can't remember the last time I've felt God in my life. I know it's not about feeling Him all the time, and He's there as much now as He has been when I felt Him and everything was good...I suppose it would help if I actually cracked my Bible open and read it.*wry smile* I'm thinking that would be an appropriate first step. Rich and I had read a few days together. They were quite convicting. Then trying to get back into the "back to school" thing got in the way. I think he's forgotten about reading together. I tried to read on my own, but it just seems so empty. I didn't "get" anything from the passage I read. God I want you back. I'm tired of stumbling around alone in the dark. cause all that there is without you is empty darkness. I want to find joy in my daily life. In my children and the relationships i have...I don't want to rot away. I want to be fulfilled doing Your work again. If only I could figure out what your work is.
Rich and I had one of those talks the other night...about how empty i am and how much i hate doing my daily thing. He said it seems like being a stay at home mom just isn't what i thought it would be and that's why i'm so miserable. I think that's part of it, but i know that's not all. It's this depression that i'm struggling with. that i have for so long.It's eaten up all of me and has come to interfere with life in general. I have the tiniest shred of desire, but no motivation. I don't "feel like" interacting with the kids and they don't understand that it's not them, it's me. I was supposed to try to find someone to talk to about all this and get me sorted out and call them today...i didn't. sadly i think i'm afraid of the process of healing and making things right. it's just easier not to make the effort. but i will. I will tomorrow, i'm going to find the number i need, and make an appointment and KEEP it. I'm ready to take the first step.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I am here...
it's been almost a year since i've bothered blogging...having 5 kids got the best of me. in 31 days, 4 of the 5 will be headed off to school...all day long. i'm not looking forward to it. Bean will be in the all day pre-kindergarten program. the boy is in kindergarten, bear heads off to first grade, and bug has the biggest transition. she's going into third grade, which means a new school. it will just be me & belle at home. i don't know what i'm going to do. actually i have some ideas, but i fear that it will be quite an adjustment for the even-more-spoiled-than-mommy belle. we're going to be doing "boot camp" so that she learns to handle herself better and stop being such a little tyrant.
any hoo that's the kids. now, since it's all about me...why the name change? i feel like i'm on the edge of losing it...battling through each day fighting for anything good...most days i don't want to fight for the good. i'm ready to just succumb to the nastiness of it all and apathy. i'm beyond the dried bean stage. i feel like a shattered vase or something. 2011 has been a hell of a year for us. i started it off with a kidney stone removal surgery and had complications from that, which nearly killed me. some days i regret making the phone call i did to my friend when i asked her to pray cause i was just ready to check out...aren't i pathetic? something in me completely shattered when i was sick. but it gets worse. while i was in the hospital for a week battling those issues, dh was flat on his back b/c he had a hernia repair surgery the day i was admitted. obviously we've both recovered physically. but it's been one battle after another. the girls got lice. myself included. that was not a very fun adventure. i had to cut bear's almost waist length hair cause it took me 4 hours to comb through it. the tension it brought to my marriage was unbelievable. cause really it was my fault. the house had been a wreck and i hadn't been able to keep up with anything, nor had i wanted to. i'm doing much better on that front now. then we sent another angel to be with Sophie and Mikey. I'm still numb from that one, but struggling with depression. Belle had been my light and joy. now she just annoys me most days. I know it's bad, but some days i resent the 4b's (yes i still think of them as that even tho there are 5 of them) and i'm angry at god for taking my little ones. mostly b/c i had a CT scan done shortly after i conceived, and had a blood test done for pregnancy that was negative. somewhere in the back of my head i feel like it's my fault b/c i had the CT scan done and that messed up the baby. Why would God let that happen. haven't i had enough pain having already lost the other 2 angels, but rich & i were talking and i realize that my anger with God goes back farther than losing my 3 angel babies...i've been angry since we left empo and moved here. i know in my head that it was a good thing for us b/c i needed it to grow, but still we were ready to settle down and we were close to family. both of our families. we saw them several times a month. now we're lucky if we see them once every other month. we thought we were in a good place to raise our babies and i was uprooted from the only town i'd known. dropped into another town with no one that i knew. my love working hard to get us a better house than the dive we were renting. but i had no friends. we settled for the first church we visited with kids bug's age and have been here ever since. i love the people in our church but i'm spiritually worse off than before. I have since met some wonderful women and formed several close friendships but still...i was ready to raise my kids with their grandparents close buy just like i had, now we hardly ever see them. i'm bitter and lash out at whomever i can. i'm very good at that. driving people away. just today i was taking pot-shots at my sister b/c her hubs has a "play" job and she's spent the last 3 years putting him through school...again. i'm constantly being stupid and petty with my mother in law, who is truly a wonderful woman and one of the most giving people i know. why am i such a terrible person. i don't like me in the least. i'm fat & ugly and miserable. and trying to get myself as much company as i can. i don't want to be like this any more, so now you know where the edge is, and this is my journey back to where i should be, and the person god wants me to be.
any hoo that's the kids. now, since it's all about me...why the name change? i feel like i'm on the edge of losing it...battling through each day fighting for anything good...most days i don't want to fight for the good. i'm ready to just succumb to the nastiness of it all and apathy. i'm beyond the dried bean stage. i feel like a shattered vase or something. 2011 has been a hell of a year for us. i started it off with a kidney stone removal surgery and had complications from that, which nearly killed me. some days i regret making the phone call i did to my friend when i asked her to pray cause i was just ready to check out...aren't i pathetic? something in me completely shattered when i was sick. but it gets worse. while i was in the hospital for a week battling those issues, dh was flat on his back b/c he had a hernia repair surgery the day i was admitted. obviously we've both recovered physically. but it's been one battle after another. the girls got lice. myself included. that was not a very fun adventure. i had to cut bear's almost waist length hair cause it took me 4 hours to comb through it. the tension it brought to my marriage was unbelievable. cause really it was my fault. the house had been a wreck and i hadn't been able to keep up with anything, nor had i wanted to. i'm doing much better on that front now. then we sent another angel to be with Sophie and Mikey. I'm still numb from that one, but struggling with depression. Belle had been my light and joy. now she just annoys me most days. I know it's bad, but some days i resent the 4b's (yes i still think of them as that even tho there are 5 of them) and i'm angry at god for taking my little ones. mostly b/c i had a CT scan done shortly after i conceived, and had a blood test done for pregnancy that was negative. somewhere in the back of my head i feel like it's my fault b/c i had the CT scan done and that messed up the baby. Why would God let that happen. haven't i had enough pain having already lost the other 2 angels, but rich & i were talking and i realize that my anger with God goes back farther than losing my 3 angel babies...i've been angry since we left empo and moved here. i know in my head that it was a good thing for us b/c i needed it to grow, but still we were ready to settle down and we were close to family. both of our families. we saw them several times a month. now we're lucky if we see them once every other month. we thought we were in a good place to raise our babies and i was uprooted from the only town i'd known. dropped into another town with no one that i knew. my love working hard to get us a better house than the dive we were renting. but i had no friends. we settled for the first church we visited with kids bug's age and have been here ever since. i love the people in our church but i'm spiritually worse off than before. I have since met some wonderful women and formed several close friendships but still...i was ready to raise my kids with their grandparents close buy just like i had, now we hardly ever see them. i'm bitter and lash out at whomever i can. i'm very good at that. driving people away. just today i was taking pot-shots at my sister b/c her hubs has a "play" job and she's spent the last 3 years putting him through school...again. i'm constantly being stupid and petty with my mother in law, who is truly a wonderful woman and one of the most giving people i know. why am i such a terrible person. i don't like me in the least. i'm fat & ugly and miserable. and trying to get myself as much company as i can. i don't want to be like this any more, so now you know where the edge is, and this is my journey back to where i should be, and the person god wants me to be.
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