I read this quote this evening: I find little meaning in any of it. I know I can’t stay here working this job. No one will notice, but I’ll slowly die. There will be a smiling veneer, but I’ll be rotting on the inside.
Masterson, Russ (2011-06-24). 40 Days without Food (Kindle Locations 293-294). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
The job? Motherhood, I guess, or the daily housewife thing...I love my kids, but I'm not sure how much I like them right now. I've been rotting for some time. I'm not exactly sure when it started, but I know the putridity of it has blocked out so many things. I have no joy in my life any more. I so want to find joy. I can't think of how may times I think to myself, " I just want to be happy." I heard someone somewhere say "When I grow up, I want to be HAPPY." What I wouldn't give to be happy. The rotting has blocked out so many things God, my family, my friends...I can't remember the last time I've felt God in my life. I know it's not about feeling Him all the time, and He's there as much now as He has been when I felt Him and everything was good...I suppose it would help if I actually cracked my Bible open and read it.*wry smile* I'm thinking that would be an appropriate first step. Rich and I had read a few days together. They were quite convicting. Then trying to get back into the "back to school" thing got in the way. I think he's forgotten about reading together. I tried to read on my own, but it just seems so empty. I didn't "get" anything from the passage I read. God I want you back. I'm tired of stumbling around alone in the dark. cause all that there is without you is empty darkness. I want to find joy in my daily life. In my children and the relationships i have...I don't want to rot away. I want to be fulfilled doing Your work again. If only I could figure out what your work is.
Rich and I had one of those talks the other night...about how empty i am and how much i hate doing my daily thing. He said it seems like being a stay at home mom just isn't what i thought it would be and that's why i'm so miserable. I think that's part of it, but i know that's not all. It's this depression that i'm struggling with. that i have for so long.It's eaten up all of me and has come to interfere with life in general. I have the tiniest shred of desire, but no motivation. I don't "feel like" interacting with the kids and they don't understand that it's not them, it's me. I was supposed to try to find someone to talk to about all this and get me sorted out and call them today...i didn't. sadly i think i'm afraid of the process of healing and making things right. it's just easier not to make the effort. but i will. I will tomorrow, i'm going to find the number i need, and make an appointment and KEEP it. I'm ready to take the first step.