I stepped on a dried chick pea the other day. It was a remnant left over from playing school with the kids earlier. Since it had missed its chance to be put away and continue its usefulness I tossed it in the garbage.
Right now, I feel a lot like that bean. When it first came off the plant, it was fresh, soft and easily usable. As time went on, it dried out, hardened and shriveled up to the point where it needs a major overhaul from an outside source like an overnight soak and then a nice long boil in a pot over a fire before it becomes useful.
I wish I didn't feel like that hard dried up bean. Once upon a time, seven or eight years ago, I had a strong relationship with God. He was my number one priority. I knew I was in the center of His will and could hear His voice guiding me. As time has gone by, sin, busyness, and life have crept in and pushed into God's place. Mostly the busyness and life...I've rooted out and repented of the sin that comes to mind in my journey to the hard bean state. I have become overwhelmed by the busyness and responsibility of raising 4 children and keeping up with my housework. I haven't wanted my relationship with God to slip, but it still has. My attempts to keep God in the forefront have all been a struggle that seems to be unsuccessful. I sadly lack the daily habit of time with Him. I keep pressing in though, and picking up my time with Him when I realize that I have let it slip.
The last 24 months have been an exceptionally difficult time for me. I suffered 2 miscarriages in 6 months. Between both miscarriages, my husband suffered from many misdiagnosed stomach problems and I feared losing him too. Thankfully Rich's health problems are now resolved, and I have taken the time to properly grieve the loss of Mikey & Sophie as I've needed to begin the healing process. But I feel like it has drained the last bit softness out of me. Leaving me drained, weary, hard and unusable. I feel like there is nothing left to do but toss me out with the trash like I did with the bean. Thankfully, even though I feel useless, God still has plans to use me.
Our worship team has played Bring Me To Life by Bebo Norman. The past 2 weeks. The part of the song I feel applies most to me is:
"I want to lose myself in Your love
So let it rain down over me
As I fall down to my knees
Let the ocean rise to meet me
I need You to bring me to life"I want God's love to wash over me and transform me from a hard bean to someone who has a usable heart again.