Today is.....

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.


"There is no greater tragedy than the loss of a child. Unfortunately, because our babies live only within our wombs or they live outside the womb for a short period of time, an uneducated society often minimizes the importance of their short lives and, in turn, our grief is trivialized."

Clair Baca

I know the pain of having my much anticipated child taken from me much too soon. Sadly, I've experienced it twice over. The ironic thing is...had it not been for Sophie's loss, I would not have lost Mikey either. Here's my story.


On February 26, 2008 I had a routine early pregnancy (8 weeks) sonogram. Everything was "normal" for me. There was a clot around the placenta, but I'd had that with my past 3 pregnancies and the 2 since. It always dissolved so I wasn't the least bit concerned. DH and I were very excited to receive an October 15 due date. Okay...I wasn't excited about being largely pregnant during the hot summer months, but I was excited about the baby. I went about life as usual. DH's birthday was the next day and after taking a surprise treat to him around lunch time, I discovered I was spotting. I figured I had just over done it a bit, and took things easy for the next day. The spotting persisted, so I called my OB and he told me to take things easy. He also wanted to see me for another sonogram the following Monday. Monday came. I was still spotting and the clot had grown. I was put on bed-rest. Of course, DH's stress level has now gone through the roof as we tried to arrange help with our 4 small children ages 4, 3, 2, and 9.5 months. He also felt the need to do all the housework in the evening to his own white glove standard that I to this day have not been able to achieve. To make a long story short, a week and a half later, we lost our baby on March 5. Exactly 10 years after DH had lost his beloved Grandfather.


I was absolutely DEVASTATED to have lost my baby. How could my body betray me in such a manner. I had delivered 4 healthy children from "boring" uncomplicated pregnancies, yet it had happened. I never once believed I would lose the baby when I was spotting. It just couldn't happen. I was going to do everything in my power to keep it from happening, yet it did. I had failed at my primary job of being a good mother and protecting my child. My body had failed me. Worst of all, I felt that no one understood our pain. They kept telling us, and DH echoed it, "At least you have 4 healthy children." or "There must've been something wrong with the baby that God was protecting you from." I didn't care all I wanted was my baby back.


Then things got worse. DH had, from all the stress we'd been through, developed kidney stones, and something else was wrong that no-one could seem to figure out. After countless trips to the local Emergency Room, his doctor,many prescriptions for "infections" that never showed on tests, and multiple CT scans and MRIs, we were continually told "It must be another kidney stone" or even worse "It must be in your head. I can't find anything wrong with you." We ended up going for a second opinion with his old Urologist to do tests for cancer. After him telling DH, that he was cancer free and everything looked good, except for this swollen area of his bowels, which probably was an infection, we were finally headed in the right direction. We left with a prescription for Flagyl, and instructions to follow up with our general practitioner in this direction. After a brief hospital stay on DH's behalf, and a referral to the local gastroenterologist, DH was finally on his way back to good health. The official/final diagnosis...he had no good bacteria in his stomach. It had been killed off by the radiation and multiple prescriptions that well meaning, but misguided doctors had given us. It took him upwards of 6 months to get back to normal. The whole time this was going on, I lived in a paralyzing fear that I was going to lose my husband and be widowed at 26 because the doctors just didn't care to look past what the surface and see the real problem with his health.

How does that tangent tie Sophie's loss to Mikey? Well, I knew that I wanted another baby even though I had just lost one. I needed to feel the preciousness of my own newborn in my arms, to experience the joy of nursing them, smell the wonderful baby smell, and yes, I even wanted to experience labor all over one more time. I was advised by my OB to wait 2 cycles before trying to conceive again. We decided to take into consideration everything that DH had been through and decided that the fall looked like a good time to start trying for another baby. However, we found out in June that after a moment of "temporary insanity", we were indeed pregnant again. I, ever the optimist, knew things were going to be great and we would have our baby this time. Our first sonogram showed what appeared to be a shadow behind the baby. Dr. B theorized that it was a twin that had not fully developed and would be reabsorbed without any problems. Of course, I was willing to accept that explanation. Fast forward to our 14 week visit, another sonogram to check on baby and the "shadow" showed that it was not a shadow, but a growth on the base of Baby Mikey's spine. At this time I'd made it past the first trimester, and shared with the kids we were expecting baby Mikey to join us right around Daddy's birthday. One night I had a dream that I lost the baby. I was terrified and didn't say anything to DH or anyone about it. If I didn't say anything it would not happen. We were scheduled to come back for another sonogram to check on the growth and Mikey's size...he was measuring a week smaller than he should've, a week later. It just happened to be Bug's first day of Kindergarten. What a crazy day it was. As things would have it, I could not find a babysitter to watch the 4 older kids, so I had them in tow. They were excited about seeing baby Mikey. In fact, Bug's first words upon seeing him on the screen were "Awe he's so cute!" and there were a few "Look! It's baby Mikey!". Silence from the doctor...and then he told us there was no heartbeat. I don't know what was harder....finding out we'd lost him after thinking we were "safe", or finding out in front of the kids. It had happened again. I didn't know what to think other than I was done. Obviously, there was something wrong with me that my body would keep betraying me in such a manner, I was not going to have any more children of my own. I was too afraid and didn't trust God to see me through another pregnancy. Not after he'd abandoned me during my last 2. I had a D&C at the end of the week...on Bug's 5th birthday. I cherished those extra 4 days I had with Mikey even though I let myself deny that he was really gone. I knew he was...I could no longer feel his movement, but I still didn't want to let go of my precious boy.

I carried my grief with me like a cloak for several months to myself...never letting anyone know how deep my hurts really went or how close I came to walking away from God. Until I realized that I was only hurting myself, and the kids I did have. They deserved a real mother who would focus on them and the bright futures they did have. But oh how my arms ached to hold my babies. I was blessed with a chance to "hold" Mikey through my friend's son Ish who is a few weeks older than Mikey would've been.

So, in closing I would like to share this video with you, and ask you join me in remembering those who have suffered the terrible loss of their babies and to remember their babies by lighting a candle at 7:00 PM, your local time for one hour in remembrance of these precious little ones who are etched in their parents and our hearts. If you would like more information please visit http://www.october15th.com/ Thank You.



In Loving Memory of Sophie 3*5*08 and Mikey 8*25*08

Overheard...Conversations with Bear

I have 4 children at home with me today. Two of them are ill and one I kept home from school because her bunk-mate was up with the stomach flu all night. She's the child that needs the most sleep, so I did not want to send Bear to school only to have her tired and grumpy all day.

A bit about Bear. Bear is my second born. She will be 5 on December 17. The exact date I chose for her. At the time I didn't think it was too close to Christmas...If I could do it again, I don't think we would've had her later than Dec 10, but she was a bit tiny at 3 weeks early. Bear is one of my more stubborn children. She probably had the ability to walk around 12 months of age, but just didn't want to for another 2 1/2 months. I think she just didn't want me around when she started since she started walking the day I had the Boy. Bear's big blue eyes convey a sense of sweetness and innocence, which is fairly accurate until she get thwarted and doesn't receive her way. Then look out! She will scrunch up her face in the most unbecoming way and screech a horrid sound. Bear is probably the child that has the most difficulty with change. I still can't figure out if she was always that way, or developed that problem after the Boy's arrival at the tender age of 14 months. I think it's just the way she is since she hasn't out grown the problem. Bear took a full 6 weeks if not 8 to adjust to preschool last year. It was worth it though because of her familiarity with preschool, we had a smooth, flawless transition into Pre-K, this fall. Bear loves her class at school, and is well loved by her classmates. A quick phone call from DH this morning shared of an e-mail from Bear's teacher expressing how much her classmates missed her. Her popularity I think is also evidenced in the 10/5 Menu Plan post.

The Bear quote of the day, which inspired the whole long rambling post about Bear:

"Mommy, when i grow up, I'm gonna be an Auntie and live with Grammy and Papa. Like Auntie Bethy and share a car with Grammy."

Menu Plan Monday~10/5

Here's the game plan for the week. I'm not sure how it will work out. Sunday's a repeat from last week as we've had rain for I don't know...seems like 14 or so days straight and haven't had the opportunity to grill. Hopefully we'll have a sunnier/less rainy week this week.

Monday 5, Tacos/Taco lasagna/ Burritos, rice, veggie, fruit
Tuesday 6, Chicken Wild Rice Soup , bread, salad
Wednesday 7, Stuffed Shells, salad, bread, veggie
Thursday 8, Breaded Hamburgers, mashed Potatoes, carrots
Friday 9, Stromboli, veggie stix, salad
Saturday 10, Spare Ribs, salad, fruit
Sunday 11, Hot Dogs,Lentil & barley soup

I must say,I'm having one of those Mondays. The kind where you feel like you've gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. The plans I had for today have come undone and changed completely. It all started last night after Bible Study. We went up stairs to put the kids to bed and the darned dog got into the garbage. She got locked in her crate for a bit, but I knew I had to let her out so that she wouldn't need to go out in the night. I was a bit leery about letting her out because we have a skunk problem in our neighborhood, and she'd yet to be skunked...well all good things must end. She was out for maybe 15-20 minutes. I was in the opposite end of the house watching TV and I got a whiff of skunk. Sure enough, Freckles had managed to get skunked. So I brought her in and washed her up. Fortunately, I think the skunk was in the driveway and Freckles got skunked through the fence because only her paws and tip of her tail smelled. After a quick wash she smelled fine. Thank You Jesus! Then, as I get done taking care of the dog and lighting candles to dissipate the stench, Bean starts to wail. She'd had an accident. Poor kid. Completely soaked her bed, all the covers and for her sweetness, nothing is worse than having an accident. She just hates it and not having her blankies to comfort her just made it worse. I didn't get to bed till midnight. Not good for the extremely tired pregnant lady, but had to have those blankies clean.



Today, I was supposed to have my Parents as Teachers meeting, but canceled it due to a trip to my Mom's to make cider with my playgroup. No one RSVP for it, so we canceled. But in church yesterday, I was asked to help with a funeral dinner they're putting on for the family. So I guess I'll be on the run all day today. The kiddos get to stay home with Miss Laura, my friend.



Oh, and did I mention that Bear got kissed at school on Friday. I had no idea that Pre-Kindergarten boys were interested in kissing! Apparently, after their restroom break before lunch, she was sitting at her desk and R* came up and kissed her on the lips. She was afraid she would get yelled at by her teacher, so she didn't say anything to her at school. Instead, she waited till she saw DH after school and told him. Fortunately it was a parent who I know and I was able to resolve the whole issue with a phone call to my friend. I was a little disturbed (and jealous as I never received much male attention especially at that age) but now I can look back and laugh. It is kind of cute. Any way, I think that catches you up on all my important happenings, so I'm off to do my housework now. Have a great Monday! Oh, and stop over to heavenlyhomemakers.com Laura has a great Fall Giveaway Carnival this week. I'm sure she'll have some good stuff linked to.

Inexpensive Meat

After dropping the Boy off at preschool, one morning last week, Bean and I made a trip to our local Wal-Mart. I love going to Wal-mart first thing in the morning...it's devoid of crowds, I almost always get one of the first parking spaces closest to the store, and there are nearly no lines in the check-out. Oh yeah, and the best part is first thing in the morning, the meat department marks down meat that has a sell by date within 48 hours. I was able to get 10 pounds of 80/20 ground chuck for $1.68 per pound. I love it! I usually stock up when the grocery store sells it for around $2.00/pound. I immediately came home and packaged it into meal size portions (2 pounds for us) and froze it for later this month. I was also able to get some boneless, skinless chicken breasts for $.99/pound at another grocery store earlier using the same "technique" of shopping early and looking at the stuff that was marked down for a quick sale. I can't tell you how excited I was to get the chicken breasts. I must admit, I was a bit prideful and bragged about my find on Facebook. For more great kitchen tips, stop by Kitchen Tip Tuesday tammysrecipes.com

I had hoped to post my menu for the week yesterday, but never got around to it, so her it is now.

Monday: Meatball Sandwiches, Mashed potatoes, and beans

Tuesday: Breakfast for Dinner--waffles, sausage, and fried potatoes

Wednesday: Salsa Chicken and Black Bean Soup, fresh bread (hopefully. I've managed to ruin the last 6 I've tired to make) and salad

Thursday: Pulled Pork Sandwiches, rice and corn

Friday: Pizza & Movie Night 2 pepperoni pizzas, veggie sticks, and hopefully Anne of Green Gables. I'm in need of a good chick flick...unless there's a Leafs game on. Then DH will comandeer the tv.

Saturday: Chicken Tenders, mashed potatoes, something green...probably broccoli.

Sunday: Spare ribs, baked potatoes, applesauce

Peace in the Potty

One thing I long for in my house is peace...peace and being able to go potty by myself...even better, not having to take someone potty every 25 minutes. What is that...three things? I don't ask for much do I? Bean and I were sitting on the porch swing, soaking up the last rays of sun on a lovely fall day before a weekend of predicted rain. When we were joined by a Boy doing the potty dance. "Mommy, I need you to go potty with me!" followed by frantic dancing. "No, buddy, you can go pee by yourself. Go by yourself and I'll give you a piece of candy." He disappears for a few minutes only to return with the dancing much more frantically. "Mommy I NEED YOU!!" So much for a few minutes of peace and quiet on a nice fall evening... I followed him half way up the stairs. Then the Boy turns and says "Mommy, I don't need you any more. I can pee by myself." Biting my tongue and thinking to myself "I know you can go potty by yourself. I asked you to already." So I sat down on the steps fearing that the Boy had waited too long to make it safely to the potty. Moments later he reappears with his pants pulled up (Thank Heavens! usually they're off and waving in the wind). I praise him for going by himself and help him choose a candy.



In the time it has taken me to type the first paragraph, Bean has come to me demanding potty. She won't come inside though. Guess she doesn't have to go that badly. Bean has just completed potty training and remains dry at night. The most unpleasantness I have dealt with concerning her "needs" is the occasional "oops, I started to have an accident, but we made it to the potty any way" The two best things about Bean being potty trained are 1. For the first time in 6 yes 6 years I have no one in diapers(well for 6 months any way)...I don't have to worry about having diapers or even pull-ups in my purse, or a big bulky diaper bag when we go any where. and 2. Bean potty trained herself. It was a much longer process than the other children, but much less labor/mom intensive. She came to me in January with a pair of the boys undies and demanded "Unnies on!!" "No Bean, you don't need to wear undies. You wear diapers. You're a little girl." She wouldn't take "No" for an answer. She got to wear them 5 minutes before having an accident. The next day lead to a trip to the local "Stuff-Mart" To purchase pull ups. I didn't do much more for her other than change her when wet and messy like usual, but by March when I found some motivation, she was mostly wet trained and would tell me immediately after having an accident. Unfortunately, once I started to show some more involvement and guidance, we had a 2 month relapse. Once summer came though, we were both ready for another try. We quickly got back to where we were with the pee training, and #2 quickly followed. By the time school rolled around, we went into training undies and have been virtually accident free since then. Yippee!! Bean however needs an assisted trip to the potty every hour or so. It seems my day is filled with trips up and down the steps. But I would rather up and down the steps and being done with potty training.



Peace however...that is something I struggle to attain. I know that my Heavenly Father is the source of peace, and by spending daily time with Him, prayer, and practicing His presence, I can attain the peace I so greatly desire. It seems to take so very much practice and I feel I am so much out of practice. That would be why God is on my "To Do" List. In my goal of attaining the daily habit of time with God, but even greatness must start somewhere. Most days though...the peace I most desire is 5 minutes on the potty without someone screaming bloody murder, barging in on me, or urging me to hurry I gotta go. ;-)

Little Victories

This morning, Bean and I made a sock puppet with yarn hair while the3 Boy was at school. It was a nice little project. I enjoyed it, but she was only mildly interested in it since she wasn't allowed to use the sharpies to color on it. The Boy came home and I started to make lunch. After lunch, I came into the living room to put in a video for the big kids to watch while I rocked Bean to sleep. I noticed my sock puppet on the floor minus his yarn hair. I was a little disappointed and asked who had pulled his hair out. Laila and Bean both said they didn't. The Boy was still finishing up his lunch in the other room. I picked up the sock puppet and hair off the floor and put it up to mend him later and went up to rock Beanie to sleep. After getting her to sleep, I came down and sat down with the kids. They asked to finish the video, which I let them. Then the Boy came to me with tears and blubbered "Mommy, I pulled the hair off your sock puppet." I know he was afraid of his consequence by his reluctance to tell me, and his tears. I explained that I was disappointed that he ruined my toy, but I was so happy that he told the truth. I am so proud of him for telling me the truth all on his own. He is the first child to lie to get out of trouble. Even when I see him hit or take a toy from his sisters, he will say he didn't thinking it will get him out of trouble. I feel like we've gained such a huge victory with him over this. I just hope that he continues to tell the truth.

I also tried a few new recipes this past week. Monday night I made "Mom's Best Meatloaf" from
Allrecipes.com . It was absolutely horrible. DH and the little B's were so disappointed and grumpy about a bad meal. Last night though I had a "victory" in that I made this crock pot chicken recipe. It was delicious! It was pretty easy too...other than the skinning the chicken part. Let me just say, skinned chickens look really, really sad. I'm sure this recipe would also translate to a regular roast chicken recipe too. Then you could leave the chicken on and slip the rosemary and lemons under the skin. I would definitely recommend giving it a try.

New Beginnings

All ready to start down the path of learning.

Bean wanted to go to school too. She tries to slip out the door with the big kids and Daddy.

Today, the Boy started his second week of preschool. He went off much the same as Bug did. Nary a tear or worry about what he would do without mommy. We walked into his classroom last Tuesday, I gave him a suggestion of joining the classmate playing cars and that was it. He could hardly be bothered to hear me say "Bye Buddy. See you after school." His favorite part hands down is outdoor play time on the playground. The school has a great playground and he looks forward to the end of each day when it is time to go out. Right now, he's riding home with his classmate, who I babysit. It's so nice to have someone to car-pool with. I enjoy getting him after school, but since the other mom brings the kids, I'm able to have lunch ready and waiting.

Playing cars

Bean has been having a little trouble adjusting to her brother being gone. She likes to have me all to herself, but she is turning out to be a high maintenance kid. Anyone have suggestions on what I can give her to do so I can get some things done while the Boy is at school?

I think I'm beginning to turn the corner in my pregnancy, to the part where the all day sickness is less prevalent, and the indigestion I've been suffering from starts to become less significant. I've also noticed I've begun to have more energy. What a blessing that is. Of course that also means that I'm entering the stage where none of my clothes fit. Unfortunately after I had Bean, I got rid of most of my maternity clothes thinking i was done. I've been able to scrounge up a few pair of pants from friends, but just my luck everyone has loaned out their tops. I guess I'll have to be selfish again and use my pay from babysitting this month for myself. I was hoping to do something fun like help DH pay off his dental bills, or take the kids to Build a Bear or "wild a bear" as Bug calls it.

Tomorrow night is another "new beginning". It's the first preseason hockey game for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Dh is an avid fan...it also means that I won't have an option about what is on the television for the next ...oh till about June after the Stanley Cup Finals are done. I will every now and again, demand that I need a break from hockey. Especially since it's on 5-6 nights a week. Football fans have it much easier ;-). Actually I usually don't mind too much. Mostly I enjoy it, but there is a point when it gets old. Hopefully we'll be able to get to a game this season. I enjoy them much more in person.
Let's Go Leafs!!